What It's Like...

So here goes.  Here's what it's like.  Living.  Breathing (or lack of).  Surviving.

Without a Mom.

Without a mom, you have to make a lot of decisions on your own.  There's no calling her up and bouncing off of her what kind of dessert you should bring to that potluck, or what she thinks about that guy you're talking to.  There's no advice about boys or diet or sleep or health.  There's no one telling you "no, that's a bad idea, trust me, it sounds good right now but it will definitely backfire, don't do it."  That "motherly voice" is just... gone.  Even from your own head.

Without a mom, there's less of a basis for a healthy lifestyle.  You spend more time as you get older, just sitting in your room, eating Nutty Buddies and watching Netflix.  You spend more time sleeping when you have nothing to do instead of being productive.  The motivation factor is completely gone.  Your only motivation in life is to make a living and, in my case, make others like you.  Which I don't have to tell you is probably not the best basis for life itself.

Without a mom, you get a lot of need to find a Mom figure.  You crave a loving and fun figure that looks out for your wellbeing.  You lust after someone who you can tell anything and everything.  You ache for someone who will just understand what you're going through and love you through it.  You cry out for someone to hold you when your heart is completely broken and pouring out of your eyes.

Without a mom, you test out potential moms.  You almost can't help it.  You joke with her and talk seriously with her and get close to her, hoping that she'll adopt you into her weird pseudo-family.  But when something goes wrong, you get hurt twice, three times, a hundred times as much.  And you sink into the realization of the role you inadvertently thrust that person into in your mind.  The hurt plus the guilt seems like too much to bear.

Without a mom, you attract the people nudge themselves into the Mom-space in your heart.  They have a longing to be something to you and to help you, but it only becomes a begrudging relationship.  You resent them entering your life without your terms and not measuring up to the role they are trying to enter, and you eventually get angry and resent them as a person.  The cycle goes around and around and sends you spinning, because no one can ever be exactly what you want and need.

Without a mom, your friend circle gets smaller and smaller, eventually disappearing until you find the one person who understands you and just wants to be your friend and love you.  And without a mom, you go through a lot of resentment for her as well, resenting that she gets to have a mom and be a mom when you're nowhere near either.  And if you're lucky... VERY lucky... She'll understand that even though you're moody and obsessive and a little bit crazy, she still encourages you and offers you anything you need.

Without a mom, you can still live.  It may feel like you can't.  It may feel like there's no point in working for money that just disappears.  It may feel like you don't deserve to live if she didn't.  It may feel like no one will ever really understand, and that they shouldn't have to.  It may feel like the only thing keeping you alive is the guilt of leaving.  But surely... somewhere, there's hope.

Because without a mom, there HAS to be somewhere to just... keep being.

What is "feeling"?

I haven't written in this blog for a... long time.  I started this blog as an idea from my Mom to put all my feelings out there; to put my emotions into words; to get out whatever was pent up inside of me.  Well here it is.  I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore, but I am.. dying.

Not literally.  I don't have some disease that's eating at my body, but I might as well have.

I watched this video recently that I had posted a year ago, that I don't think I fully understood until now.  It depicted a cancer patient, her family and friends around her, just telling her to get over herself; to see that other people have problems too, and that it's all just in her head.  The ending caption read "You'd never talk like this to someone with cancer.  Don't talk like this to someone with depression."  I mean, last year I posted that believing I was justified in posting it, thinking I had it worse off than I ever could.  Stupid Past Abi.  It can always get worse if you think it can't.

Depression.  I have... depression.  It's been diagnosed with a friggin' doctor, so I guess I can't say it's not true anymore.  And... I've always believed, you know, that one line from Harry Potter, "fear of a name only increases the fear of the thing itself."   And I'm speaking out against the Spirit of Depression that has been... haunting my entire family my WHOLE LIFE.  It has driven us all to do crazy things we would never do apart from it, like striking out against your children or develop a disease because of anxiety and stress or take a blade to your thighs because you can't feel much pain anymore.

So, capper, I'm not doing this at all because I think I'll get attention.  I believe wholeheartedly that no one will read this, and if they do, they will not think that I'm just.. dramatic.  I've gotten that a lot.  But here's why this is a big thing for me:

I was at a Christian Challenge meeting at UNC.  Tuesday night, just like every week.  The last 3 weeks had all ended in tears for me.  Not entirely out of character for me, but still.  And after meeting for a discipleship meeting with my friend, I was sick to my stomach, wanting to just tell her everything, that I had been struggling with an addiction to pornography and cutting for a long time now.  And I was tired of it.  But I couldn't get myself to do it.  So, at Challenge, the message was about our identity, whatever name the enemy was trying to give us, and whether we assume what we've been our whole lives, or we take the new name God gives us.  My identity my whole life had been Alone, Emotional, Dramatic, Oversensitive, Annoying.  And I decided I was tired of being defined by what others think I am like.  I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote a prayer request for my mental health and my self-harm tendencies.  I put it to paper.  Out loud, as much as I was able.  And I felt this giant weight off my back.  This nasty evil lizard on my back named Depression was taken aback.

And I mean, I'm not cured.  God is capable of that, but he's not always the short-game kind of guy.  I am still struggling with wanting just to end it all, to indulge in the... "desires of the flesh".  And to make myself feel pain so I know I can feel.  But what I know, more than what the enemy can do to me and put me through, is that God is bigger.  I am not alone, but Loved; not emotional, but Sensitive to those around me; not dramatic but Enthusiastic; and not annoying.  At all.  Just Beloved.  And excited to live life with those I love.

And even though this took me months and months to put into words, I hope this gets to someone.

"Who I am is found in the I Am, I belong to You."  God.  The one who defines and controls my life because I am striving to put him in charge every day.

Meet Me...

Meet me by the lake in my special spot
Meet me in front of the building with a smile
Meet me with my favorite food when I don't expect it
Meet me at my coffee place when I'm goofing off

Meet me when I sleep on the floor on my sad days
Meet me when I'm watching a stupid movie just to cry
Meet me when I'm curled up in a ball of tears
Meet me when I can't hold myself together

Meet me when my fists are balled in fury
Meet me when my face is beet red
Meet me when you're the only one I don't hate
Meet me when you aren't

Meet me in my best
Meet me in my awful worst
Wherever I happen to be
Please... Just meet me.



This may seem really weird.  And it's not exactly poetry.  But this has been where I've been for the past few months.  There's a therapeutic theory about helping people overcome certain issues, and the first thing is you can't just pull them out of their comfort zones.  You have to meet them where they are and when they're comfortable you help them feel empowered to overcome.

I haven't posted in  a long time.  I've been struggling with my life recently.  Losing my mom two years ago is finally fully sinking in and honestly, is haunting me.  I'm starting to remember a lot of details, I'm seeing others with moms, I'm watching TV shows with moms and feeling sick to my stomach.  I'm seeing my friends in relationships and even getting married, and feeling deeply unwanted and alone.  I'm going to work every morning with a dread in my heart and mind about what is going to happen "this time".  I'm forgetting things, losing things, have no motivation, and can't explain why I feel this way.

SO.  I'm posting this for...... really no apparent reason.  Except one thing.  If you're struggling with this, or if you have a close friend or relative who feels this way, please.  PLEASE.  Don't just do nothing about it.  It can end badly.  PLEASE meet someone where they are.  Ask for help.  Ask to be met.  Because a lot of times, no one knows what to do.  Help them to help you.  I love you guys <3

An Open Letter...

Not posting for a while may have been a bit weird, but may have been good for me. But not writing has left all this... Stuff crammed in my mind. I'm a writer by nature and upbringing, and this letter was essential. To my mental health. :)

This gets really personal. I'm sorry if this seems weird or inappropriate to anyone reading this. My emotions are tools I can use for myself and for others. Thank you for understanding.

An Open Letter - To the one I'll always love but have to let go.

I've saved it all. Every meaningful text, every handwritten note, every gift... I've held onto it. I've held on to you. Because I know... I'll never stop loving you. You have meant so much to me... Without either of us meaning to, we've been drawn together. We fit. I've told myself over and over that I would be perfect for you. Every girl I've ever seen you with, every relationship you've had, I've been there. And I've hated them all. I see how you are with them and I know I could be better. But all of them fail. And why? I didn't realize the common denominator until now.

You, dear. You are, inadvertently, the reason all your relationship are past tense. You are selfish. But you're a special kind of selfish. The kind that has had to look out for himself for so long that he does not realize whatsoever that he is hurting the people who love him. When you see something you want, you go for it. And whoever that is at the time is willingly waiting for you. But nothing is good enough for you. You strategically manipulate and challenge everything about them until they don't know who either of you are anymore. See past yourself, dear. There are many who pine for you, who want you more than themselves. You give them the attention they want. But only when it suits you.

Why? Have you not known the love that is... Unconditional? The unconditional love that you have to fully RECEIVE in order to GIVE. I may be hypocritical in saying that I know what that is if I've never fully received it. But I strive for it. I long for it every day, and thought, for a time, that you were my unconditional love. But that was where I made the worst mistake in our life together. I put you on a pedestal.

We never were... Anything. I never meant anything to you. And yet, in some indirect way, you made me believe I somehow did or could mean more to you. Whether you intended to or you didn't, I fell head over high heels for you. I fought to like the music you like, to play the songs you played, to read what you had read. I wore different clothes to make it coincidental that we matched. I did my hair differently to hope you would notice. I started researching things to say to make you laugh and talk to me. Without thinking about it, I created this mindset that if I tried hard enough, you would notice me and love me too.

I tried not to. When I realized I was being ridiculous (which, thank goodness, wasn't too long) I avoided you. I got mad. I cried. I prayed to get over you or to find someone else. But God, or I, or life kept shoving me toward you over and over again. And maybe it's good. The timing was perfect in God's eyes until I could see it as well. I needed to see how you operated. How you contrived, how you worked the system around you. I protected you from so much. Treated you like the child you were, and took the blame where you deserved it. And I never saw it. Until now.

So firstly, here's to me; For letting you go, every day, every minute I still think about you and long for you. For having to move on from you without moving away from you. For being the one who needs to "just get over it" one more time, because I need to do what's best for me. I will never stop loving you. I will never stop thinking about what "could have been". But I can see now that that's okay. Feelings are okay, seeing you is okay, and moving on is more than okay.

And here's to you; For being the loving, talented, funny, stubborn man I've always known. For selfishly clinging to your friends and family and never failing to tell them you love and appreciate them. Here's to your never ending energy and imagination. And to the woman who will make you work for the love you crave from her. But here's to you finding, truly finding the One whose love never fails, whose joy is always there waiting for you, and who has made the one you deserve and who deserves you. Hats off to our struggle, past and future. And to a friendship that can, together, make an impact in our mutual loves. Thank you for all you have done and will do for me. I may have let go of your mementos, but I'll never forget your wisdom and loving advice. See you soon.

The 'Covering' Conundrum

#TiaraTuesday....... A day late.... But I've felt like I needed to share this sooner than next Tuesday! 

My experiences with boys will be discussed. Sorry. But trust me, it's relevant. :)

     A couple weeks ago, I went to this camp in the mountains with my church. (#wondervu 4 lyfe) The speaker, Benji, had some AMAZING sermons. One of them even about Tiara Tuesday! But one of the messages he gave was on Spiritual Warfare. He told a story about his daughter, who had been having nightmares and asked one night "why won't God answer our prayers?" This made Benji so mad, he decided he was going to pray and fast until that girl's nightmares went away. For 2-3 days, he did nothing but pray a "covering" over his daughter. 

     When we got back from camp, my best friend and I were both going through some pretty bad spiritual warfare- anger, depression, sickness- and at lunch one day she told me that her boyfriend decided to pray a covering over her as well. While I was insanely happy that my friend had someone who loved her enough to pray and fast to put a spiritual covering over her, it did the opposite of make me actually happy. 

     Right before that, I had been insanely sick, could barely get out of bed, and a huge wave of depression hit me. I found myself sitting in bed watching Netflix next to my mom's ashes and nearly starving myself. My friends were all gone, going back up to camp or going through their own lives. There were some other friends that just didn't think about me, and the smallest of things made me feel so sorry for myself. I was a pathetic lump. 

     So when my friend told me about the covering her boyfriend prayed over her, I was jealous. 18 years with no relationships, pretty much no one looking twice at me, and only using me as a place holder until they could get to someone else, and I let just a little bit bitter. Not to mention going through an emotional roller coaster right then over a guy. And my family had no interest in getting involved with me, which made me even angrier. I felt like no one loved me, and no one in my life would ever love me enough to cover me with prayer. 

     I felt like this for a little while longer until I saw another friend, and all these emotions just came up again. I was about ready to explode. I had been having mini breakdowns and crying for no reason, and I was afraid I would do the same in front of him. But then we started to worship. And we sang songs from my week at camp, and we laughed and sang and played, and I felt like I didn't need to cry. I didn't need to be angry.  I didn't need to unload on my friend and tell him all my grievances, because I could do that to God. He wanted to hear my troubles. 

     That day, I prayed a covering over myself. And I have prayed over myself since then. These days, it's important to pray intentionally. By praying a covering over MYSELF, it helps me to keep a perspective of what I'm doing, my attitude, and what other things I need to pray over. It helps me to know what the power of a prayer covering is and to pray coverings over the people I love. AND it builds the habit of prayer. And I struggle with that. 

     Also, it is important to ask for prayer if necessary. I am in a point in my life when I am mostly alone- I don't live with my dad right now, my brothers have their own families and lives, my sister is working full time, and some of my friends are... On their way out. I have this nasty habit of feeling like I'm imposing on my friends, asking them for help or just randomly bringing things up because I feel alone. But while I was sick, I found myself texting my best friends, asking them to just pray for me, that I was overwhelmed and needed some extra prayer. And my friends were so responsive and encouraging. They called me and told me they loved me and were there if I needed. So no matter what, don't EVER be afraid to ask for prayer. Especially from your pastors and close friends. 

Or me. :)

I hope that through my experiences, I can help some of you that feel the same kind of way. I love you all, and you are never alone. 

     

The Day that Changed Me

Okay this is a bit weird.  But this was a warm-up in my Creative Writing class.

The day that changed me...  The day that will live in my memory forever, even though I have no idea when that was, was the day my mom told me she had cancer for the second time in my lifetime.  I bawled my eyes out in the kitchen while she clutched me close, holding in her own tears.

That was the start of my two-year-ish journey with her; putting off driving and getting a job to help her and take care of her, being afraid of doing something wrong but ending up doing everything wrong, hating people for the way they treated my mom.  She never wanted to be treated with kid gloves, but by then, I made her deal with it.

That's the day I started to kind of "grow a pair".  Not when I actually did, because I was still little and stupid, but when the transformation began.  I started doing for myself, not relying on others to do for me.  I was finding things out for myself, not going through my parents, because I didn't want to bother my mom and didn't want to go through my dad.

I went through (and am still going through, unfortunately) an emotional and spiritual roller coaster.  The thought of suicide comes to my mind nearly on a daily basis, and I just keep thinking how I have nothing left to lose; I have lost my best friend and mother, been practically emotionally estranged from my father, I have no love in my life, no ambition for higher education, and no prospect of a steady career.  

The only thing that has kept me going, the only real motivation I have in my life, is my Jesus.  He is the base of everything that happens to me.  And I don't even give him the time of day.  He has been one of those things that I always find an excuse for.  And it eats me up.  

So I won't go into detail, but the best example of all of this is today.  I was being quite idiotic and speeding like a madman.  I was pulled over and freaked the heck out when they gave me a court date.  Even just the words "court date" sound... foreboding...  All I wanted to do was curl up in a teary ball and sleep for about a month and a half.  I spent the day sick to my stomach and talking to my sister, asking her advice.  Thus, driving home on my way to tell my dad the news, I started to bawl, praying that everything would work out well, and thanking Him for this "wakeup call".  

With my friend being in a horrible car accident, I started contemplating what would happen if that kind of thing happened to me.  It wouldn't be horrible if I got in a wreck.  It wouldn't be too bad if I was hospitalized.  It wouldn't be terrible if I was taken from this sad world and got to see my mom again... Thinking all of this and driving home, I was a hot mess behind the wheel.  Praying and lamenting, I randomly turned the radio up, and the song made me sob even harder:

"There could never be a more beautiful you 

Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do 
So there could never be a more beautiful you"

More Beautiful You by Johnny Diaz

(If you haven't listened to Way FM before, start.  God does some amazing things through those people)

God reached into that car and wrapped me in his arms, letting me know that there's a reason I'm here, there's a reason I'm going through what I am, and He loves me even though I was an idiot while driving, even if some people don't like me, and even if I don't have a super hot boyfriend.  

Apparently those are the problems most prominent in my brain, so don't judge.  :) 

I hope you all take something from this.  God loves.  He loves unconditionally.  And he's always where you allow Him to be.  

 

The Original Poem...

... that makes my #TiaraTuesday this week all the more emotional.  My friend wrote this poem right after Mama died.  This poem just makes my heart break, mend, and re-break.  Gosh...


By: Jayde Contreras

A beautiful spirit,
Though her body was broken.
She could make you smile
With every word spoken.
The cancer may have taken
Her breath, bones, and skin,
But it would never take away
The lasting impression of her grin.
Though her life was too short
By our standards and time,
HIS timing is perfect
And planning is even more fine.
Just think of all the pain
She no longer has to feel,
All of the tears
That are no longer real.
She's probably sitting
Right next to Him now;
She's most certainly still a princess
With the most beautiful crown.
Though physically she is gone,
Not a part of this Earth,
Her happy spirit lives in our hearts
Which is of oh-such worth.
Her family gained an angel,
A beautiful one at that.
She has reached the Kingdom,
With her King at last.


Love you, honey.  Thanks for this beautiful reminder.