I haven't written in this blog for a... long time. I started this blog as an idea from my Mom to put all my feelings out there; to put my emotions into words; to get out whatever was pent up inside of me. Well here it is. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore, but I am.. dying.
Not literally. I don't have some disease that's eating at my body, but I might as well have.
I watched this video recently that I had posted a year ago, that I don't think I fully understood until now. It depicted a cancer patient, her family and friends around her, just telling her to get over herself; to see that other people have problems too, and that it's all just in her head. The ending caption read "You'd never talk like this to someone with cancer. Don't talk like this to someone with depression." I mean, last year I posted that believing I was justified in posting it, thinking I had it worse off than I ever could. Stupid Past Abi. It can always get worse if you think it can't.
Depression. I have... depression. It's been diagnosed with a friggin' doctor, so I guess I can't say it's not true anymore. And... I've always believed, you know, that one line from Harry Potter, "fear of a name only increases the fear of the thing itself." And I'm speaking out against the Spirit of Depression that has been... haunting my entire family my WHOLE LIFE. It has driven us all to do crazy things we would never do apart from it, like striking out against your children or develop a disease because of anxiety and stress or take a blade to your thighs because you can't feel much pain anymore.
So, capper, I'm not doing this at all because I think I'll get attention. I believe wholeheartedly that no one will read this, and if they do, they will not think that I'm just.. dramatic. I've gotten that a lot. But here's why this is a big thing for me:
I was at a Christian Challenge meeting at UNC. Tuesday night, just like every week. The last 3 weeks had all ended in tears for me. Not entirely out of character for me, but still. And after meeting for a discipleship meeting with my friend, I was sick to my stomach, wanting to just tell her everything, that I had been struggling with an addiction to pornography and cutting for a long time now. And I was tired of it. But I couldn't get myself to do it. So, at Challenge, the message was about our identity, whatever name the enemy was trying to give us, and whether we assume what we've been our whole lives, or we take the new name God gives us. My identity my whole life had been Alone, Emotional, Dramatic, Oversensitive, Annoying. And I decided I was tired of being defined by what others think I am like. I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote a prayer request for my mental health and my self-harm tendencies. I put it to paper. Out loud, as much as I was able. And I felt this giant weight off my back. This nasty evil lizard on my back named Depression was taken aback.
And I mean, I'm not cured. God is capable of that, but he's not always the short-game kind of guy. I am still struggling with wanting just to end it all, to indulge in the... "desires of the flesh". And to make myself feel pain so I know I can feel. But what I know, more than what the enemy can do to me and put me through, is that God is bigger. I am not alone, but Loved; not emotional, but Sensitive to those around me; not dramatic but Enthusiastic; and not annoying. At all. Just Beloved. And excited to live life with those I love.
And even though this took me months and months to put into words, I hope this gets to someone.
"Who I am is found in the I Am, I belong to You." God. The one who defines and controls my life because I am striving to put him in charge every day.
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