Not posting for a while may have been a bit weird, but may have been good for me. But not writing has left all this... Stuff crammed in my mind. I'm a writer by nature and upbringing, and this letter was essential. To my mental health. :)
This gets really personal. I'm sorry if this seems weird or inappropriate to anyone reading this. My emotions are tools I can use for myself and for others. Thank you for understanding.
An Open Letter - To the one I'll always love but have to let go.
I've saved it all. Every meaningful text, every handwritten note, every gift... I've held onto it. I've held on to you. Because I know... I'll never stop loving you. You have meant so much to me... Without either of us meaning to, we've been drawn together. We fit. I've told myself over and over that I would be perfect for you. Every girl I've ever seen you with, every relationship you've had, I've been there. And I've hated them all. I see how you are with them and I know I could be better. But all of them fail. And why? I didn't realize the common denominator until now.
You, dear. You are, inadvertently, the reason all your relationship are past tense. You are selfish. But you're a special kind of selfish. The kind that has had to look out for himself for so long that he does not realize whatsoever that he is hurting the people who love him. When you see something you want, you go for it. And whoever that is at the time is willingly waiting for you. But nothing is good enough for you. You strategically manipulate and challenge everything about them until they don't know who either of you are anymore. See past yourself, dear. There are many who pine for you, who want you more than themselves. You give them the attention they want. But only when it suits you.
Why? Have you not known the love that is... Unconditional? The unconditional love that you have to fully RECEIVE in order to GIVE. I may be hypocritical in saying that I know what that is if I've never fully received it. But I strive for it. I long for it every day, and thought, for a time, that you were my unconditional love. But that was where I made the worst mistake in our life together. I put you on a pedestal.
We never were... Anything. I never meant anything to you. And yet, in some indirect way, you made me believe I somehow did or could mean more to you. Whether you intended to or you didn't, I fell head over high heels for you. I fought to like the music you like, to play the songs you played, to read what you had read. I wore different clothes to make it coincidental that we matched. I did my hair differently to hope you would notice. I started researching things to say to make you laugh and talk to me. Without thinking about it, I created this mindset that if I tried hard enough, you would notice me and love me too.
I tried not to. When I realized I was being ridiculous (which, thank goodness, wasn't too long) I avoided you. I got mad. I cried. I prayed to get over you or to find someone else. But God, or I, or life kept shoving me toward you over and over again. And maybe it's good. The timing was perfect in God's eyes until I could see it as well. I needed to see how you operated. How you contrived, how you worked the system around you. I protected you from so much. Treated you like the child you were, and took the blame where you deserved it. And I never saw it. Until now.
So firstly, here's to me; For letting you go, every day, every minute I still think about you and long for you. For having to move on from you without moving away from you. For being the one who needs to "just get over it" one more time, because I need to do what's best for me. I will never stop loving you. I will never stop thinking about what "could have been". But I can see now that that's okay. Feelings are okay, seeing you is okay, and moving on is more than okay.
And here's to you; For being the loving, talented, funny, stubborn man I've always known. For selfishly clinging to your friends and family and never failing to tell them you love and appreciate them. Here's to your never ending energy and imagination. And to the woman who will make you work for the love you crave from her. But here's to you finding, truly finding the One whose love never fails, whose joy is always there waiting for you, and who has made the one you deserve and who deserves you. Hats off to our struggle, past and future. And to a friendship that can, together, make an impact in our mutual loves. Thank you for all you have done and will do for me. I may have let go of your mementos, but I'll never forget your wisdom and loving advice. See you soon.
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