What It's Like...

So here goes.  Here's what it's like.  Living.  Breathing (or lack of).  Surviving.

Without a Mom.

Without a mom, you have to make a lot of decisions on your own.  There's no calling her up and bouncing off of her what kind of dessert you should bring to that potluck, or what she thinks about that guy you're talking to.  There's no advice about boys or diet or sleep or health.  There's no one telling you "no, that's a bad idea, trust me, it sounds good right now but it will definitely backfire, don't do it."  That "motherly voice" is just... gone.  Even from your own head.

Without a mom, there's less of a basis for a healthy lifestyle.  You spend more time as you get older, just sitting in your room, eating Nutty Buddies and watching Netflix.  You spend more time sleeping when you have nothing to do instead of being productive.  The motivation factor is completely gone.  Your only motivation in life is to make a living and, in my case, make others like you.  Which I don't have to tell you is probably not the best basis for life itself.

Without a mom, you get a lot of need to find a Mom figure.  You crave a loving and fun figure that looks out for your wellbeing.  You lust after someone who you can tell anything and everything.  You ache for someone who will just understand what you're going through and love you through it.  You cry out for someone to hold you when your heart is completely broken and pouring out of your eyes.

Without a mom, you test out potential moms.  You almost can't help it.  You joke with her and talk seriously with her and get close to her, hoping that she'll adopt you into her weird pseudo-family.  But when something goes wrong, you get hurt twice, three times, a hundred times as much.  And you sink into the realization of the role you inadvertently thrust that person into in your mind.  The hurt plus the guilt seems like too much to bear.

Without a mom, you attract the people nudge themselves into the Mom-space in your heart.  They have a longing to be something to you and to help you, but it only becomes a begrudging relationship.  You resent them entering your life without your terms and not measuring up to the role they are trying to enter, and you eventually get angry and resent them as a person.  The cycle goes around and around and sends you spinning, because no one can ever be exactly what you want and need.

Without a mom, your friend circle gets smaller and smaller, eventually disappearing until you find the one person who understands you and just wants to be your friend and love you.  And without a mom, you go through a lot of resentment for her as well, resenting that she gets to have a mom and be a mom when you're nowhere near either.  And if you're lucky... VERY lucky... She'll understand that even though you're moody and obsessive and a little bit crazy, she still encourages you and offers you anything you need.

Without a mom, you can still live.  It may feel like you can't.  It may feel like there's no point in working for money that just disappears.  It may feel like you don't deserve to live if she didn't.  It may feel like no one will ever really understand, and that they shouldn't have to.  It may feel like the only thing keeping you alive is the guilt of leaving.  But surely... somewhere, there's hope.

Because without a mom, there HAS to be somewhere to just... keep being.