An Open Letter...

Not posting for a while may have been a bit weird, but may have been good for me. But not writing has left all this... Stuff crammed in my mind. I'm a writer by nature and upbringing, and this letter was essential. To my mental health. :)

This gets really personal. I'm sorry if this seems weird or inappropriate to anyone reading this. My emotions are tools I can use for myself and for others. Thank you for understanding.

An Open Letter - To the one I'll always love but have to let go.

I've saved it all. Every meaningful text, every handwritten note, every gift... I've held onto it. I've held on to you. Because I know... I'll never stop loving you. You have meant so much to me... Without either of us meaning to, we've been drawn together. We fit. I've told myself over and over that I would be perfect for you. Every girl I've ever seen you with, every relationship you've had, I've been there. And I've hated them all. I see how you are with them and I know I could be better. But all of them fail. And why? I didn't realize the common denominator until now.

You, dear. You are, inadvertently, the reason all your relationship are past tense. You are selfish. But you're a special kind of selfish. The kind that has had to look out for himself for so long that he does not realize whatsoever that he is hurting the people who love him. When you see something you want, you go for it. And whoever that is at the time is willingly waiting for you. But nothing is good enough for you. You strategically manipulate and challenge everything about them until they don't know who either of you are anymore. See past yourself, dear. There are many who pine for you, who want you more than themselves. You give them the attention they want. But only when it suits you.

Why? Have you not known the love that is... Unconditional? The unconditional love that you have to fully RECEIVE in order to GIVE. I may be hypocritical in saying that I know what that is if I've never fully received it. But I strive for it. I long for it every day, and thought, for a time, that you were my unconditional love. But that was where I made the worst mistake in our life together. I put you on a pedestal.

We never were... Anything. I never meant anything to you. And yet, in some indirect way, you made me believe I somehow did or could mean more to you. Whether you intended to or you didn't, I fell head over high heels for you. I fought to like the music you like, to play the songs you played, to read what you had read. I wore different clothes to make it coincidental that we matched. I did my hair differently to hope you would notice. I started researching things to say to make you laugh and talk to me. Without thinking about it, I created this mindset that if I tried hard enough, you would notice me and love me too.

I tried not to. When I realized I was being ridiculous (which, thank goodness, wasn't too long) I avoided you. I got mad. I cried. I prayed to get over you or to find someone else. But God, or I, or life kept shoving me toward you over and over again. And maybe it's good. The timing was perfect in God's eyes until I could see it as well. I needed to see how you operated. How you contrived, how you worked the system around you. I protected you from so much. Treated you like the child you were, and took the blame where you deserved it. And I never saw it. Until now.

So firstly, here's to me; For letting you go, every day, every minute I still think about you and long for you. For having to move on from you without moving away from you. For being the one who needs to "just get over it" one more time, because I need to do what's best for me. I will never stop loving you. I will never stop thinking about what "could have been". But I can see now that that's okay. Feelings are okay, seeing you is okay, and moving on is more than okay.

And here's to you; For being the loving, talented, funny, stubborn man I've always known. For selfishly clinging to your friends and family and never failing to tell them you love and appreciate them. Here's to your never ending energy and imagination. And to the woman who will make you work for the love you crave from her. But here's to you finding, truly finding the One whose love never fails, whose joy is always there waiting for you, and who has made the one you deserve and who deserves you. Hats off to our struggle, past and future. And to a friendship that can, together, make an impact in our mutual loves. Thank you for all you have done and will do for me. I may have let go of your mementos, but I'll never forget your wisdom and loving advice. See you soon.

The 'Covering' Conundrum

#TiaraTuesday....... A day late.... But I've felt like I needed to share this sooner than next Tuesday! 

My experiences with boys will be discussed. Sorry. But trust me, it's relevant. :)

     A couple weeks ago, I went to this camp in the mountains with my church. (#wondervu 4 lyfe) The speaker, Benji, had some AMAZING sermons. One of them even about Tiara Tuesday! But one of the messages he gave was on Spiritual Warfare. He told a story about his daughter, who had been having nightmares and asked one night "why won't God answer our prayers?" This made Benji so mad, he decided he was going to pray and fast until that girl's nightmares went away. For 2-3 days, he did nothing but pray a "covering" over his daughter. 

     When we got back from camp, my best friend and I were both going through some pretty bad spiritual warfare- anger, depression, sickness- and at lunch one day she told me that her boyfriend decided to pray a covering over her as well. While I was insanely happy that my friend had someone who loved her enough to pray and fast to put a spiritual covering over her, it did the opposite of make me actually happy. 

     Right before that, I had been insanely sick, could barely get out of bed, and a huge wave of depression hit me. I found myself sitting in bed watching Netflix next to my mom's ashes and nearly starving myself. My friends were all gone, going back up to camp or going through their own lives. There were some other friends that just didn't think about me, and the smallest of things made me feel so sorry for myself. I was a pathetic lump. 

     So when my friend told me about the covering her boyfriend prayed over her, I was jealous. 18 years with no relationships, pretty much no one looking twice at me, and only using me as a place holder until they could get to someone else, and I let just a little bit bitter. Not to mention going through an emotional roller coaster right then over a guy. And my family had no interest in getting involved with me, which made me even angrier. I felt like no one loved me, and no one in my life would ever love me enough to cover me with prayer. 

     I felt like this for a little while longer until I saw another friend, and all these emotions just came up again. I was about ready to explode. I had been having mini breakdowns and crying for no reason, and I was afraid I would do the same in front of him. But then we started to worship. And we sang songs from my week at camp, and we laughed and sang and played, and I felt like I didn't need to cry. I didn't need to be angry.  I didn't need to unload on my friend and tell him all my grievances, because I could do that to God. He wanted to hear my troubles. 

     That day, I prayed a covering over myself. And I have prayed over myself since then. These days, it's important to pray intentionally. By praying a covering over MYSELF, it helps me to keep a perspective of what I'm doing, my attitude, and what other things I need to pray over. It helps me to know what the power of a prayer covering is and to pray coverings over the people I love. AND it builds the habit of prayer. And I struggle with that. 

     Also, it is important to ask for prayer if necessary. I am in a point in my life when I am mostly alone- I don't live with my dad right now, my brothers have their own families and lives, my sister is working full time, and some of my friends are... On their way out. I have this nasty habit of feeling like I'm imposing on my friends, asking them for help or just randomly bringing things up because I feel alone. But while I was sick, I found myself texting my best friends, asking them to just pray for me, that I was overwhelmed and needed some extra prayer. And my friends were so responsive and encouraging. They called me and told me they loved me and were there if I needed. So no matter what, don't EVER be afraid to ask for prayer. Especially from your pastors and close friends. 

Or me. :)

I hope that through my experiences, I can help some of you that feel the same kind of way. I love you all, and you are never alone. 

     

The Day that Changed Me

Okay this is a bit weird.  But this was a warm-up in my Creative Writing class.

The day that changed me...  The day that will live in my memory forever, even though I have no idea when that was, was the day my mom told me she had cancer for the second time in my lifetime.  I bawled my eyes out in the kitchen while she clutched me close, holding in her own tears.

That was the start of my two-year-ish journey with her; putting off driving and getting a job to help her and take care of her, being afraid of doing something wrong but ending up doing everything wrong, hating people for the way they treated my mom.  She never wanted to be treated with kid gloves, but by then, I made her deal with it.

That's the day I started to kind of "grow a pair".  Not when I actually did, because I was still little and stupid, but when the transformation began.  I started doing for myself, not relying on others to do for me.  I was finding things out for myself, not going through my parents, because I didn't want to bother my mom and didn't want to go through my dad.

I went through (and am still going through, unfortunately) an emotional and spiritual roller coaster.  The thought of suicide comes to my mind nearly on a daily basis, and I just keep thinking how I have nothing left to lose; I have lost my best friend and mother, been practically emotionally estranged from my father, I have no love in my life, no ambition for higher education, and no prospect of a steady career.  

The only thing that has kept me going, the only real motivation I have in my life, is my Jesus.  He is the base of everything that happens to me.  And I don't even give him the time of day.  He has been one of those things that I always find an excuse for.  And it eats me up.  

So I won't go into detail, but the best example of all of this is today.  I was being quite idiotic and speeding like a madman.  I was pulled over and freaked the heck out when they gave me a court date.  Even just the words "court date" sound... foreboding...  All I wanted to do was curl up in a teary ball and sleep for about a month and a half.  I spent the day sick to my stomach and talking to my sister, asking her advice.  Thus, driving home on my way to tell my dad the news, I started to bawl, praying that everything would work out well, and thanking Him for this "wakeup call".  

With my friend being in a horrible car accident, I started contemplating what would happen if that kind of thing happened to me.  It wouldn't be horrible if I got in a wreck.  It wouldn't be too bad if I was hospitalized.  It wouldn't be terrible if I was taken from this sad world and got to see my mom again... Thinking all of this and driving home, I was a hot mess behind the wheel.  Praying and lamenting, I randomly turned the radio up, and the song made me sob even harder:

"There could never be a more beautiful you 

Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do 
So there could never be a more beautiful you"

More Beautiful You by Johnny Diaz

(If you haven't listened to Way FM before, start.  God does some amazing things through those people)

God reached into that car and wrapped me in his arms, letting me know that there's a reason I'm here, there's a reason I'm going through what I am, and He loves me even though I was an idiot while driving, even if some people don't like me, and even if I don't have a super hot boyfriend.  

Apparently those are the problems most prominent in my brain, so don't judge.  :) 

I hope you all take something from this.  God loves.  He loves unconditionally.  And he's always where you allow Him to be.  

 

The Original Poem...

... that makes my #TiaraTuesday this week all the more emotional.  My friend wrote this poem right after Mama died.  This poem just makes my heart break, mend, and re-break.  Gosh...


By: Jayde Contreras

A beautiful spirit,
Though her body was broken.
She could make you smile
With every word spoken.
The cancer may have taken
Her breath, bones, and skin,
But it would never take away
The lasting impression of her grin.
Though her life was too short
By our standards and time,
HIS timing is perfect
And planning is even more fine.
Just think of all the pain
She no longer has to feel,
All of the tears
That are no longer real.
She's probably sitting
Right next to Him now;
She's most certainly still a princess
With the most beautiful crown.
Though physically she is gone,
Not a part of this Earth,
Her happy spirit lives in our hearts
Which is of oh-such worth.
Her family gained an angel,
A beautiful one at that.
She has reached the Kingdom,
With her King at last.


Love you, honey.  Thanks for this beautiful reminder.

Last Words

"I'll be right back... If I don't come back, well, then these are my last words to you all.  I really, really, really love you guys.


"Now I'm going to go drop a deuce."


This has to be the funniest and best quote from a great TV show I've been catching up on.  How I Met Your Mother has some fabulous times of hilarity, but this was one of the best.  Especially considering that the beginning of that episode made me cry as hard as I could for exactly 7.5 seconds.

In this episode, one of the character's father dies from a heart attack.  He spends the episode feeling bad about everyone else's amazing stories of their father's last words to them, like amazing advice to the grandkids or saying how much he loved them.  His father's last words to him were "Hey Marshall.  You should rent Crocodile Dundee 3".   Then he finds a voicemail from his dad on his phone that ends with "Anyway, I love you.".  He was so relieved and still used the funny ones for his dad's funeral.  But even the ending made me sad.

I don't remember my mom's last words to me.  I was mad at her for not letting me go to Reno with her, or at least visit her.  She and I had gotten so close the last year, and I thought she would let me be involved in that juncture with her.  She was gone for almost... was it two weeks?  Maybe longer... This is what sucks.  That entire year is a complete blur.  Going to Mexico is the clearest, and knowing certain things that happened in school that year.  But besides that, timelines, things that were said, things I went to... It's all mushed together into one huge crap-fest.

I have no idea what my mom said to me the last time she saw me.  Her and I texted back and forth a bit, and I sent her lots of pictures and videos of me babysitting the grandkids... but besides that, we promised we would call and never did, we never video chatted, and I have no idea how Reno even was.  And it made me feel horrible.  How will I never know what my Mama wanted to say to me the last time she saw me?  We never were completely "I love you" prone, that's just how we were.  But did she make me laugh?  Did I make her laugh?  Did I make her cry because I was mad she wouldn't let me go?  I don't know if I'll ever remember.  It makes me feel horrible.

But what makes me feel better is how she made me feel before she died.  She spent so much time with me and made me feel so much better about the direction my life was going that I don't much care anymore.  (I'm pretty much just saying that because I want that to be true)  She was such a caring person, and she loved on everyone around her.  She was so encouraging and loving, that all I know is that she loved me.  So much.  And I loved her.

Last words are overrated.






Now I'm going to drop a major deuce.


Just kidding, I already did that.  (No offense to new readers.  :) )