The day that changed me... The day that will live in my memory forever, even though I have no idea when that was, was the day my mom told me she had cancer for the second time in my lifetime. I bawled my eyes out in the kitchen while she clutched me close, holding in her own tears.
That was the start of my two-year-ish journey with her; putting off driving and getting a job to help her and take care of her, being afraid of doing something wrong but ending up doing everything wrong, hating people for the way they treated my mom. She never wanted to be treated with kid gloves, but by then, I made her deal with it.
That's the day I started to kind of "grow a pair". Not when I actually did, because I was still little and stupid, but when the transformation began. I started doing for myself, not relying on others to do for me. I was finding things out for myself, not going through my parents, because I didn't want to bother my mom and didn't want to go through my dad.
I went through (and am still going through, unfortunately) an emotional and spiritual roller coaster. The thought of suicide comes to my mind nearly on a daily basis, and I just keep thinking how I have nothing left to lose; I have lost my best friend and mother, been practically emotionally estranged from my father, I have no love in my life, no ambition for higher education, and no prospect of a steady career.
The only thing that has kept me going, the only real motivation I have in my life, is my Jesus. He is the base of everything that happens to me. And I don't even give him the time of day. He has been one of those things that I always find an excuse for. And it eats me up.
So I won't go into detail, but the best example of all of this is today. I was being quite idiotic and speeding like a madman. I was pulled over and freaked the heck out when they gave me a court date. Even just the words "court date" sound... foreboding... All I wanted to do was curl up in a teary ball and sleep for about a month and a half. I spent the day sick to my stomach and talking to my sister, asking her advice. Thus, driving home on my way to tell my dad the news, I started to bawl, praying that everything would work out well, and thanking Him for this "wakeup call".
With my friend being in a horrible car accident, I started contemplating what would happen if that kind of thing happened to me. It wouldn't be horrible if I got in a wreck. It wouldn't be too bad if I was hospitalized. It wouldn't be terrible if I was taken from this sad world and got to see my mom again... Thinking all of this and driving home, I was a hot mess behind the wheel. Praying and lamenting, I randomly turned the radio up, and the song made me sob even harder:
"There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you"
So there could never be a more beautiful you"
More Beautiful You by Johnny Diaz
(If you haven't listened to Way FM before, start. God does some amazing things through those people)
God reached into that car and wrapped me in his arms, letting me know that there's a reason I'm here, there's a reason I'm going through what I am, and He loves me even though I was an idiot while driving, even if some people don't like me, and even if I don't have a super hot boyfriend.
Apparently those are the problems most prominent in my brain, so don't judge. :)
I hope you all take something from this. God loves. He loves unconditionally. And he's always where you allow Him to be.
