So this 231st day since my mom died, I've been in a funk all day. I don't know if any of you guys get this way, but for the last 7 months I just sometimes get in a funk, where I'm not really sure what I'm doing, I can't remember things, I spaz out, I over-think little things, I get headaches... It's just not a pleasant time overall. So today was one of those days. I woke up late, I couldn't get myself together, I had some weird classes in the morning, didn't want to stay at school, got some weird news in the afternoon... I couldn't figure out why. Everything just reminded me of what I've lost and what I've never had... Guy wise mostly...
While I have never had a relationship, I've gotten close. I've liked guys who didn't like me back, and who even took it to the point where they never thought about me and left me in their proverbial dust. So nowadays, I've tried to go about these kinds of things differently. And I still find that I don't like the outcome, because either I don't feel the way the other person does or vice versa.
Aight, I know I'm only 18. But I am in love with "love". Besides falling deeper in love with God, which, just so y'all know is my deepest aspiration, there is almost nothing I crave more than "love". WHY I keep putting love in quotations, I don't know. But, I feel like there just has to be something to that. There IS a reason I feel this way, right?
With Christmas already in stores and on everyone's minds. It's even friggin snowing outside. So let's be real: I hate Christmas. I hate the time of year , I hate the hype of the holiday and the music, I hate the feigned family time and obligation of presents. I'm probably being a bit bitter, just knowing that some crappy things have happened about this time, but I just feel like the real meaning of the holiday is lost in all the lights and wrapping paper. There's this song called "Real" by Nichole Nordman, that I love that expresses this. I just felt you all should know that. And look it up.
Anyhoo, my day started out funky, kept on bein all funky, and ended with some news that shouldn't have made much of a difference, but just made my stomach hurt. I went home, cuddled, and just sat there for a while. Then got in my car to go to youth group and just started bawling. I could think of nothing but how much my Mama would have loved this guy and how much I just wanted someone to want me. That led to thoughts about my past interactions with boys, and I just sat there feeling like a complete idiot. "Did anyone ever really like me?" "Do any of my friends now like me?" "Does everyone feel the same way he did?" Stupid thoughts. Shouldn't even have made a difference to me. Never really does make any difference any other day, but today it did. Today, a Wednesday, snowy, windy, candle-y, day, the 231st day without my mom, and I feel like total roadkill.
Dear God, please help me realize that I am totally fine without some things. I will never have my mom back. I will never be perfect. I will never have that "flawless love". I might not have my winter romance I dream about for a long time. But that is totally fine. I just don't think so right now. But that will change
