This took me a while...

I've been in a dark cloud for a while.  With this being a month where I am constantly reminded of my mom's struggle, and being an almost-18-year-old girl with feelings, and feeling like crap most days, I feel the most tired I have ever been.  Like, literally, I am tired almost every minute I'm awake.  That's not normal.  Not that I have ever really been normal, but it's never been like this.  What the.....

So now I'm at a low point.  Not as low as it has been in the recent past..... but pretty low.  I pretty much want to quit life and become a professional sleeper.

I cried listening to the radio today.  Not even a very emotional song, but it just made me bawl.  And I've felt sick to my stomach for the longest period of time...... blegh.  It's gross.  But at the same time, I want to cram my mouth with mint chocolate.  Why mint chocolate, I have no idea.

I just feel like this is going to happen for the whole month.  I feel horrible for crying to my friends (and there is clearly no significant other in the picture), so I got nothin.  My family is just a little too close for comfort with these kinds of things.

This short little post took about 3 hours... with all the distractions around my house, trying to put my feelings into words, and kind of wanting to punch people in the face for no reason.  And watching love movies just makes me want chocolate even more.  But mint chocolate.  Probably not plain chocolate..... I'm just picky like that.

But through all of this, I have freakin' amazing friends.  My Troubs and Bellas are my fun of the day!  My Josh and Stephanie make my crappy week worth it.  My brothers and sisters make me feel secure.  My dad gives me everything I might ever need.  And my cat always makes me feel loved and wanted.  #CrazyCatLady.....

My Love/Hate Relationship.

Soooo everyone!!!  Unless you live under a rock, you might have noticed, it's FINALLY OCTOBER!!!!!  Until recently, October has always meant leaves, fall clothes, candy corn, hot chocolate, and apple pie.  And of course it still does.  But now it means several different things that make me want to rip my hair out.

There's the love part.  I LOVE FALL.  I get to wear boots and sweaters, listen to the rain and wonder weather it's going to snow, and see all the leaves fall and (this is bringing out my inner nerd) seeing all my peeps at school and having an excuse to go somewhere where all my friends are for 8 hours a day.  Noooooooot to mention that of course it's the month of my birthday.  And Halloween.  Fabulous.  But then there's the downside to this month.

Firstly, Breast cancer awareness month.
If you all know anything about me, or have been following this blog for a while, my mom had breast cancer.  She did a lot of research, per her personality quirk of having to know everything possible about everything before she made any decisions.  Through this, she shared with me her findings on what really happens to the money raised for "Breast Cancer Awareness".  To be brief, less than 20% of the money raised actually goes to any research done for breast cancer.  The rest goes to people's paychecks, sponsors, and funding the next fundraiser.  My mom hated pink for this reason.  Now I get it.

And secondly, Sympathy.
Through the whole Breast Cancer Awareness stuff, I have always gotten those "pass it on" campaign things through social media.  Just today, I probably got 5 SnapChats of pink ribbons, telling me to pass it on.  Excuse me.  If I wanted to raise awareness for something that was already widely known, I would have sent you a picture of my cat.  She's sick.  Can we raise some money for her?

This isn't to say that I don't appreciate these thoughts for what they are.  Friends that send those things to me, trying to be thoughtful, trying to make a statement about how much they loved my mother and remember her this month; I love that!!!  But just please don't expect me to do anything for it or share something for a campaign that I think is just really ridiculous.  I don't believe that these products and promotions don't raise awareness for breast cancer itself, but for the campaigns.  And campaigning for a campaign is the most ridiculous thing I can think of.

There's a lot more I could say on the matter, but that's the bare bones... All this does is bring up memories and make me sick to my stomach.  I just have a feeling I'll be sick to my stomach for the whole month...  But seriously.  Thank you to those thoughtful people who support me and my family by doing the little things that they can.  I appreciate you all.