A look backwards... Cause I'm a sentimental weirdo...

Guys... these last couple days have been hard.  There's no real reason for it, I just want to pull my hair out and strangle some people.  And now, for some odd reason, I went through my Facebook page and looked back at my posts...  Yeah...... I'm crying...

This made me cry a lot.  I wrote this poem sitting in the hotel on our way to Mexico for Mom's treatments:
Lord I pray 
That when I wake,Someone's head I will not take
And when I sit And sit for hours
I will sit and think
Of sunshine and flowers
Because I will be a blessing 
To everyone I see
And no one I meet Will want to strangle me
I pray that I will be grateful
For everything I own
And that I will be helpful
To my mother when I get home
I thank you for this time
Even though I gripe and groan
For you have a greater plan
And a seed you have already sown
Please bless me with people
Who love me just for me
And always be there listening
Because you fill my every need. 
~Amen


Why was my mindset so much better then than now?  Missing link: Mom.  I have no way of really thinking without her.  I don't know what to do...  Grocery shopping is hard, I have a hard time telling my dad what I need at the store, I don't know who to talk to anymore, and I feel like I have no purpose.  I know I can't be the only one who is having a hard life, but I just want to curl up and cry for a few days...

The other things were the videos of my concerts and plays.  Mom shared some of them, saying:
"My girl, doing what she does best." "Three part harmony qualifies for me as "Nirvana." Abi has been singing the alto and high tenor harmonies since she was 6--like second nature to her."

I am looking at my prom pictures and wish my mom would have been there to meet my first date.  I'm looking at pictures of my two trips to the mountains and wish I could have come home and just babbled to her and told her every little detail.  I'm looking at the pictures where we babysat for my brother's kids and wish we could have stayed there forever...  I'm wishing she would have been here to see all the kids growing up.

She would have really been proud of little Rebekah, growing up to be a feisty little red-headed tomboy!!!  In her journal the pastor read at the funeral, she said she was thankful for little red-headed girls...  Yeah, that made me cry a lot...  Still does.  I just want her to be here.  I want her to see everything that's happening.  I want her to be my mom again.......  I'm not ready to be without her.

I'm not really sure what else to say...  Just last week I felt so free, so purposeful... and now... Fear has me again.  I don't want to get all philosophical, but I feel so lost.  My purpose in life has almost been ripped away from me.  I can't look at some people, because they remind me too much of my mom.  I can't stand being around some people because I can't think of interacting with them without her...  I can't think of staying home for very long because I can't stand being there.  I just want her.

My eyes, my ears, my mind...

Job 42:5
My ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You.

Recently, it's felt like I can't really see or think clearly.  I lose track of time, forget events, let people down, and I want to just rip my hair out.  The only thing I could do was sit on the couch, watching my TV show, and eat ice cream, which in turn made me feel even worse about myself.

BUT, I went to church camp this last week.  There was very little time to worry about my makeup or my hair, and I thought being without my phone for an entire week would drive me crazy!  But this week turned out to be the best week I've had for a long time.  I really didn't want to come back.  I met a lot of amazing people and made some new friends!  The best part was that I got to sit and think for nearly hours at a time without having to worry about really anything.  I had the opportunity to cry about the things I've been holding in, and talk about the things I needed to talk about.  For the first time in my life, I felt that I truly felt free.  I made the move to forgive my dad, and I worked through my regret with my mom.  I got to sit with my friends and just bawl about losing her.  I hadn't actually done that.  I got some satisfying hugs and made my eyes hurt (in a good way).

I shared my testimony with the whole camp the last day.  I told them about Mom, and how she came up with Tiara Tuesday in order to let us remember that we are children of a King.  The camp director, Judah, got up and talked about the significance of that; how men should have to fight for that girl, and that we should treat ourselves as such...  After I shared I cried.  Actually, I squeaked and some water came out of my eyes.  Not really anything horrible, but kind of embarrassing...

Anyhoo, I loved this week.  To all of you who might be reading this, if you ever have the chance to go to Wondervu Camp in Golden Colorado, do it.  It is an amazing experience.  Plus you might see me on the worship team ;)

My life feels so much more put together now.  I might not have the income I want or all the things I want, but I'm pretty happy with my friends and my mindset.  To all of you who went to camp, I love you and I am so proud of you.  We all made some amazing strides in some way or another.  That's the amazing thing about God.  He always makes us feel whole after he's been with us.  Love you all!!!  Stay royal ;)

I think this was Mama's last Tiara Tuesday.  She posted on Facebook, saying: 

"Tiara Tuesday falls on a road trip day. My crown may be slightly crooked, but darn it, I'm part of a royal generation, a royal priesthood and a holy nation. He has called me out of darkness into His marvelous light."