New Year's Revolution

So I hung out with a great friend today.  We swapped sad stories about our relatives passing away, and I remembered all the awesome people God has put in my life throughout this year.

Example:  My dad woke me up at 12:30 in the morning on March 26th to tell me that my sister had rushed my mom to the emergency room in Reno.  I posted to Facebook that my dad was getting a flight to Reno and that we really needed some prayer.  And just after that, who happened to be up and read my post?  An old friend.  A great old friend.  Who proceeded to message me and tell me he was praying and that everything would be okay.  I stayed up, pretty much laying still, sweating in bed.  I prayed constantly, knowing my sister must be freaking out, not to mention how my mom was feeling, or the pain she was in.  At about 1:30, my dad came in and choked out that she was gone.  I am not sure whether I screamed or not, but I felt a horrible gnawing in my stomach as I cried harder than I ever had in my life.

It's nothing like the movies. There's no Sarah Mclachlan song playing in the background of a montage of sad images. The whole day does seem like it took 30 seconds, but that has nothing to do with a person directing my moment. My brothers came out at about 2, and we just... sat.  Watched some TV, comforted each other a bit...  And so many people just loved on us that day.  Some of my best friends came all the way out to my house just to hug me, tell me they loved me, and try their best to make me feel better.  So many Facebook messages that I disabled my account because my phone was buzzing so much.  Throughout the rest of the year, I had my Troubadours, last year's and this year's, who have been so sweet and have put up with my constant odd behavior and emotional crap; I had my friends carrying me through prom and being with me for my mom's service; I had my best friend this year helping me make graduation plans and making plans to move in together so I would feel like I have something solid to lean on...

So I guess this is where I actually get to the point.  This whole story I just told actually has a point, I swear.

My mom was a strong person, and she always tried to push me to be strong and objective and smart.  She was the most real person I have ever known.  And so this next year, I'm going to create a New Year's Revolution.  Everyone always balks at new year's resolutions.  No one ever follows through with them and everyone always makes a resolution that they really can't ever achieve.  But my goal with this is to grab onto something inside of my generation that won't let go; the idea that we can actually do something incredible.

I have never been a super head strong-ish type person. I don't put myself out there. I'm not a "cautious" girl, but I just don't do what I want. I don't tell people my mind, because I'm so afraid of what they think. But I have nothing to be ashamed of. My family and friends have helped me to realize that I can assert myself. I can let myself express my thoughts, because I'm confident that I'm smart and objective enough to have some pretty dang good insight into things. Cause I like who I am.  And this whole Tiara Tuesday thing is meant to be just that. We are children of a God who doesn't want us to hide ourselves under what other people think or our fears of being laughed at. In this day and age, speaking out when you're young isn't encouraged. People don't think our minds are capable of creating something revolutionary. They say, "this generation is going to change the world", but 'when will you let us?'

I don't even know if my thoughts on my New Year's Revolution make sense here, but it's a problem I want all young people to face in the next year. Make them believe in you. Make them see you. Let them know that we're not just immature little kids who "don't know what they're talking about".  We are more than what they see.

With it being Christmas season, not to mention this being about when I went to the hospital in Mexico for Mom's treatments, I have been kind of a wreck.  I didn't get out of bed for more than 5 minutes at a time on Christmas.  (On the plus side of that, I caught up on American Horror Story.  Yeah, don't judge...).  So that's my reason for doing this revolution.  I know I'll go through those days again, and I know that a lot of other people will go through those too.  And crying and sitting in bed eating Nutella out of the jar isn't bad!  But we should be confident enough to get out of bed the next day or the next week and know that we have someone on our side, and we ARE strong, we ARE beautiful, and we CAN do anything we set our minds too; even if we just start small and set our minds to taking a shower.  (But really, that's like a huge struggle for me sometimes...)

I guess I'm saying here that I am SO grateful for my strong people around me.  I have been all over the place throughout the year, I have had God through the whole ordeal; talking to me during camp through great friends during a worship service or through strangers during morning session, letting me know when a certain guy just isn't right for me, hugging me when my calendar hits a certain number of days without my mom...  I'm just so grateful for some people.....  So, I'm not bawling my eyes out... at ALL...

231

So this 231st day since my mom died, I've been in a funk all day.  I don't know if any of you guys get this way, but for the last 7 months I just sometimes get in a funk, where I'm not really sure what I'm doing, I can't remember things, I spaz out, I over-think little things, I get headaches... It's just not a pleasant time overall.  So today was one of those days.  I woke up late, I couldn't get myself together, I had some weird classes in the morning, didn't want to stay at school, got some weird news in the afternoon...  I couldn't figure out why.  Everything just reminded me of what I've lost and what I've never had... Guy wise mostly...

While I have never had a relationship, I've gotten close.  I've liked guys who didn't like me back, and who even took it to the point where they never thought about me and left me in their proverbial dust. So nowadays, I've tried to go about these kinds of things differently. And I still find that I don't like the outcome, because either I don't feel the way the other person does or vice versa.

Aight, I know I'm only 18. But I am in love with "love". Besides falling deeper in love with God, which, just so y'all know is my deepest aspiration, there is almost nothing I crave more than "love". WHY I keep putting love in quotations, I don't know. But, I feel like there just has to be something to that. There IS a reason I feel this way, right?

With Christmas already in stores and on everyone's minds. It's even friggin snowing outside. So let's be real: I hate Christmas. I hate the time of year , I hate the hype of the holiday and the music, I hate the feigned family time and obligation of presents. I'm probably being a bit bitter, just knowing that some crappy things have happened about this time, but I just feel like the real meaning of the holiday is lost in all the lights and wrapping paper. There's this song called "Real" by Nichole Nordman, that I love that expresses this. I just felt you all should know that.  And look it up.

Anyhoo, my day started out funky, kept on bein all funky, and ended with some news that shouldn't have made much of a difference, but just made my stomach hurt. I went home, cuddled, and just sat there for a while. Then got in my car to go to youth group and just started bawling. I could think of nothing but how much my Mama would have loved this guy and how much I just wanted someone to want me. That led to thoughts about my past interactions with boys, and I just sat there feeling like a complete idiot. "Did anyone ever really like me?" "Do any of my friends now like me?" "Does everyone feel the same way he did?"  Stupid thoughts. Shouldn't even have made a difference to me. Never really does make any difference any other day, but today it did. Today, a Wednesday, snowy, windy, candle-y, day, the 231st day without my mom, and I feel like total roadkill.

Dear God, please help me realize that I am totally fine without some things. I will never have my mom back. I will never be perfect. I will never have that "flawless love". I might not have my winter romance I dream about for a long time. But that is totally fine. I just don't think so right now. But that will change

This took me a while...

I've been in a dark cloud for a while.  With this being a month where I am constantly reminded of my mom's struggle, and being an almost-18-year-old girl with feelings, and feeling like crap most days, I feel the most tired I have ever been.  Like, literally, I am tired almost every minute I'm awake.  That's not normal.  Not that I have ever really been normal, but it's never been like this.  What the.....

So now I'm at a low point.  Not as low as it has been in the recent past..... but pretty low.  I pretty much want to quit life and become a professional sleeper.

I cried listening to the radio today.  Not even a very emotional song, but it just made me bawl.  And I've felt sick to my stomach for the longest period of time...... blegh.  It's gross.  But at the same time, I want to cram my mouth with mint chocolate.  Why mint chocolate, I have no idea.

I just feel like this is going to happen for the whole month.  I feel horrible for crying to my friends (and there is clearly no significant other in the picture), so I got nothin.  My family is just a little too close for comfort with these kinds of things.

This short little post took about 3 hours... with all the distractions around my house, trying to put my feelings into words, and kind of wanting to punch people in the face for no reason.  And watching love movies just makes me want chocolate even more.  But mint chocolate.  Probably not plain chocolate..... I'm just picky like that.

But through all of this, I have freakin' amazing friends.  My Troubs and Bellas are my fun of the day!  My Josh and Stephanie make my crappy week worth it.  My brothers and sisters make me feel secure.  My dad gives me everything I might ever need.  And my cat always makes me feel loved and wanted.  #CrazyCatLady.....

My Love/Hate Relationship.

Soooo everyone!!!  Unless you live under a rock, you might have noticed, it's FINALLY OCTOBER!!!!!  Until recently, October has always meant leaves, fall clothes, candy corn, hot chocolate, and apple pie.  And of course it still does.  But now it means several different things that make me want to rip my hair out.

There's the love part.  I LOVE FALL.  I get to wear boots and sweaters, listen to the rain and wonder weather it's going to snow, and see all the leaves fall and (this is bringing out my inner nerd) seeing all my peeps at school and having an excuse to go somewhere where all my friends are for 8 hours a day.  Noooooooot to mention that of course it's the month of my birthday.  And Halloween.  Fabulous.  But then there's the downside to this month.

Firstly, Breast cancer awareness month.
If you all know anything about me, or have been following this blog for a while, my mom had breast cancer.  She did a lot of research, per her personality quirk of having to know everything possible about everything before she made any decisions.  Through this, she shared with me her findings on what really happens to the money raised for "Breast Cancer Awareness".  To be brief, less than 20% of the money raised actually goes to any research done for breast cancer.  The rest goes to people's paychecks, sponsors, and funding the next fundraiser.  My mom hated pink for this reason.  Now I get it.

And secondly, Sympathy.
Through the whole Breast Cancer Awareness stuff, I have always gotten those "pass it on" campaign things through social media.  Just today, I probably got 5 SnapChats of pink ribbons, telling me to pass it on.  Excuse me.  If I wanted to raise awareness for something that was already widely known, I would have sent you a picture of my cat.  She's sick.  Can we raise some money for her?

This isn't to say that I don't appreciate these thoughts for what they are.  Friends that send those things to me, trying to be thoughtful, trying to make a statement about how much they loved my mother and remember her this month; I love that!!!  But just please don't expect me to do anything for it or share something for a campaign that I think is just really ridiculous.  I don't believe that these products and promotions don't raise awareness for breast cancer itself, but for the campaigns.  And campaigning for a campaign is the most ridiculous thing I can think of.

There's a lot more I could say on the matter, but that's the bare bones... All this does is bring up memories and make me sick to my stomach.  I just have a feeling I'll be sick to my stomach for the whole month...  But seriously.  Thank you to those thoughtful people who support me and my family by doing the little things that they can.  I appreciate you all.

Love is Weird.

The title pretty much describes what this short post is about.  Love is weird.  Love comes in a lot of different types- the awkward type; the one-sided type; the dysfunctional type; the type you don't want to admit... And if you're lucky, you get two people who actually fall in love.  Like real unconditional, weird, people-think-you're-crazy love.  I've been longing for that since I was little... I would watch movies where they would go through all of these problems and find they truly love each other, or the guy has these great acts of love and wins her over.  Disney friggin' princesses gave me unrealistic expectations.

So those few times that I think I might be falling in love, it really freaks me out.  That's probably not normal, but let's be honest, I'm not normal.  There have been few people I would want to really love and date.  And now, with everything else going on in life, it feels like this would be a breath of fresh air.  But it's just a weird process...

Is love a process?  I'm not sure... to quote The Fault In Our Stars (which I will never willingly see) "I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, then all at once."  I think that is one of the most accurate ways to fall in love I have heard.

I just happen to be a sucker for romance.  And for falling for people who could never fall for me.  Yippee.  Great combination.

Got any good love stories?  SHARE 'EM!!! :) I'd love to hear them!

Now excuse me.  

Confusing thoughts of the day...

It's days like this when I almost miss my mama the most. I'm sitting watching Spongebob, just hugging a pillow with one of her perfumes on it. Things are going so well, and I have so many great friends and people who love me, and all I want to do is have one more car ride with her. We used to sing at the top of our lungs to the Wailin Jenny's. And I want to sing on worship team with her again. She completed my harmonies... I want to tell her how beautiful my friends are and how amazing the girls at the girl's conference were. I want to tell her my boy troubles. I want to tell her how I love sitting next to my crush in class, and listening to him, even though it would be totally weird and she would laugh at me.  But I want to hear her laugh again, even though the thought of it makes me sick with longing.  I want to tell her how proud I am of my youth group, and of their leaders who have become my best friends and my unrelated family.  I hope this isn't turning into a whine session, but there's a lot of things on my mind today. Thank goodness they're all good things I have in my life. I am so thankful to my Lord for being with me these 173 days since I got the word at 1:30 am. And I'm thankful I God had my friend up at that time to comfort me. I'm just very thankful. 

Fly

This Tuesday, I want to just talk about my mom. I spent just less than a year with her, talking to her, reminding her to take pills, taking her to her appointments, dressing her wound, volunteering to give her shots when she just couldn't do it herself. Our trip to Mexico was spent with me sitting next to her, trying to keep her mind off of the painful IVs she had, speaking whatever Spanish I knew to her nurses, constantly trying to make time to have us go outside and wander around. Those 2 weeks were very emotional and trying for the both of us. But through that whole thing, she never complained. She kept strong in The Lord, and still managed to be a mother and wife and a teacher to me. She was my hero.
When she died, I felt so guilty. I had been mad that we hadn't talked while she was in Nevada, and I was mad that she had to leave me at home. I never got to talk to her about prom, future boyfriends, my senior year of high school, the great friends I found after, or the great friends I still have to find. I've struggled with that thought, and it's depressed me for the 139 days she's been gone.
But what she left me with was beyond what I could have imagined. She left me with a Godly perspective on life, and a role model to think back on. But most importantly, she left me with the mindset that I am a princess. I am the daughter of the God who created the world, everything in it, and everyONE in it. But he made me special. I am his chosen one. I am his favorite. And she lived her life believing that everyone she talked to was God's chosen creation. And that we should treat ourselves as such: Humble ourselves before God, and hold ourselves to a higher standard than the world gives us. So that's what‪#‎TiaraTuesday‬ is all about. Putting this into our everyday lives. Remember this, ladies AND gentlemen. We are the children of God. And we are chosen.

For my 18th birthday, I want to get a tattoo of the word "fly". That word to me represents everything my mama would have wanted for me, and everything I'm striving for today. This song I heard on the radio says "It's time for us to more than just survive. We were made to thrive". 

Mama, I love you. Thank you for everything you did for me as a mother and a role model. I love you to the moon and back. 

A look backwards... Cause I'm a sentimental weirdo...

Guys... these last couple days have been hard.  There's no real reason for it, I just want to pull my hair out and strangle some people.  And now, for some odd reason, I went through my Facebook page and looked back at my posts...  Yeah...... I'm crying...

This made me cry a lot.  I wrote this poem sitting in the hotel on our way to Mexico for Mom's treatments:
Lord I pray 
That when I wake,Someone's head I will not take
And when I sit And sit for hours
I will sit and think
Of sunshine and flowers
Because I will be a blessing 
To everyone I see
And no one I meet Will want to strangle me
I pray that I will be grateful
For everything I own
And that I will be helpful
To my mother when I get home
I thank you for this time
Even though I gripe and groan
For you have a greater plan
And a seed you have already sown
Please bless me with people
Who love me just for me
And always be there listening
Because you fill my every need. 
~Amen


Why was my mindset so much better then than now?  Missing link: Mom.  I have no way of really thinking without her.  I don't know what to do...  Grocery shopping is hard, I have a hard time telling my dad what I need at the store, I don't know who to talk to anymore, and I feel like I have no purpose.  I know I can't be the only one who is having a hard life, but I just want to curl up and cry for a few days...

The other things were the videos of my concerts and plays.  Mom shared some of them, saying:
"My girl, doing what she does best." "Three part harmony qualifies for me as "Nirvana." Abi has been singing the alto and high tenor harmonies since she was 6--like second nature to her."

I am looking at my prom pictures and wish my mom would have been there to meet my first date.  I'm looking at pictures of my two trips to the mountains and wish I could have come home and just babbled to her and told her every little detail.  I'm looking at the pictures where we babysat for my brother's kids and wish we could have stayed there forever...  I'm wishing she would have been here to see all the kids growing up.

She would have really been proud of little Rebekah, growing up to be a feisty little red-headed tomboy!!!  In her journal the pastor read at the funeral, she said she was thankful for little red-headed girls...  Yeah, that made me cry a lot...  Still does.  I just want her to be here.  I want her to see everything that's happening.  I want her to be my mom again.......  I'm not ready to be without her.

I'm not really sure what else to say...  Just last week I felt so free, so purposeful... and now... Fear has me again.  I don't want to get all philosophical, but I feel so lost.  My purpose in life has almost been ripped away from me.  I can't look at some people, because they remind me too much of my mom.  I can't stand being around some people because I can't think of interacting with them without her...  I can't think of staying home for very long because I can't stand being there.  I just want her.

My eyes, my ears, my mind...

Job 42:5
My ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You.

Recently, it's felt like I can't really see or think clearly.  I lose track of time, forget events, let people down, and I want to just rip my hair out.  The only thing I could do was sit on the couch, watching my TV show, and eat ice cream, which in turn made me feel even worse about myself.

BUT, I went to church camp this last week.  There was very little time to worry about my makeup or my hair, and I thought being without my phone for an entire week would drive me crazy!  But this week turned out to be the best week I've had for a long time.  I really didn't want to come back.  I met a lot of amazing people and made some new friends!  The best part was that I got to sit and think for nearly hours at a time without having to worry about really anything.  I had the opportunity to cry about the things I've been holding in, and talk about the things I needed to talk about.  For the first time in my life, I felt that I truly felt free.  I made the move to forgive my dad, and I worked through my regret with my mom.  I got to sit with my friends and just bawl about losing her.  I hadn't actually done that.  I got some satisfying hugs and made my eyes hurt (in a good way).

I shared my testimony with the whole camp the last day.  I told them about Mom, and how she came up with Tiara Tuesday in order to let us remember that we are children of a King.  The camp director, Judah, got up and talked about the significance of that; how men should have to fight for that girl, and that we should treat ourselves as such...  After I shared I cried.  Actually, I squeaked and some water came out of my eyes.  Not really anything horrible, but kind of embarrassing...

Anyhoo, I loved this week.  To all of you who might be reading this, if you ever have the chance to go to Wondervu Camp in Golden Colorado, do it.  It is an amazing experience.  Plus you might see me on the worship team ;)

My life feels so much more put together now.  I might not have the income I want or all the things I want, but I'm pretty happy with my friends and my mindset.  To all of you who went to camp, I love you and I am so proud of you.  We all made some amazing strides in some way or another.  That's the amazing thing about God.  He always makes us feel whole after he's been with us.  Love you all!!!  Stay royal ;)

I think this was Mama's last Tiara Tuesday.  She posted on Facebook, saying: 

"Tiara Tuesday falls on a road trip day. My crown may be slightly crooked, but darn it, I'm part of a royal generation, a royal priesthood and a holy nation. He has called me out of darkness into His marvelous light."

My Brain...

... is going to BLOW UP.  Summer should just be here by now.  I want to just get through school with my skull and my GPA intact.

I have just been introduced to one of the most mindlessly entertaining TV shows I have ever watched besides Spongebob Squarepants.  Melissa and Joey?  I just think it's super cute.  Maybe when I'm in my 30s and still single, I'll hire an effortlessly attractive Italian guy to be my nanny... for my... kids?  I just lost my groove there.  But thanks to my amazing looks and social skills, that won't happen...

Can anyone relate to these pictures?

Yeah I'm just gonna go do that now.  See you guys when I emerge.

Love is a many splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!

Aaaaaaall you need is love!  Aaaaaaall you need is love!

And yes, I did just quote Moulin Rouge.  That has to be my favorite movie in like ever.

Loves is fantabulous.  I made up a word.  I'm quite amazing.  Anyhoo, I love love.  I get all melt-y when I see romantic movies and fantasize like I'm in a love story the rest of the week.  I can't even handle seeing it in real life, cause I just "aww" out loud and make people uncomfortable.  I am literally "that person" sometimes, that makes a big deal and makes it weird.

I also love quirky love, like weird love stories that make you frown a little bit, then just makes you feel good inside.  I was watching Clueless with my sister the other night, and we both agreed it was just a little weird that she fell in love with a guy that used to be her step-brother.  Of course he, being Paul Rudd, was SUPER attractive, sweet, and not technically related to her in any way anymore.  Win win situation on my end, just still a little weird.

Either way, love is just freakin' amazing.  Period.  Any thoughts????? :)

*awkwardly loud squeal* 

Chocolate, Chaps, and Chinese food.

This title mostly describes all I can think about.  Weird I know... If I'm not thinking about life decisions and my mom and school work, I'm thinking about what it would be like to have everything I ever wanted.  A perfect body, even while eating all the junk food I wanted, a boyfriend that is like my soul mate, a lot of amazing friends, two wonderful parents, fantastic clothes, the perfect house, perfect hair and skin, lead roles in my favorite plays...

I think I've said just enough to make whoever is reading this just a little awkwardly close to me.  You all should know that this will probably be normal for me... after reading my blog we might be close on an awkward level... you might just know too much about me.

But anyhoo, I have nothing really to complain about.  I am 17 years old and feel like I'm 100.  Is that normal?  ........... Blegh.  That's just how it's been the last few weeks... months... years... Just blegh.

DANG IT, SELF, JUST BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU HAVE.

Anyone else just randomly have the craving to cuddle your blankets and pillows while eating junk food and watching High School Musical?  That's what I've wanted for like a week now... Anyone wanna join me in crying over the immature high school romance?  Let me know ;)

Joshua 1:9

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

All right... here goes......... Boys.

All right.  I feel the need to talk about boys at this moment.  I have no experience with romance.  None whatsoever.  I've always felt a little weird about that, feeling like I was too ugly or too weird to date.  And now it's worse than ever!!!

Broadening my horizons by moving schools has given me the chance to observe a wide variety of relationships.  There is always "that couple"; the ones who have been together for so long that no one really can see them being apart.  THAT'S the kind of relationship I was always jealous of.  The couple that are more like best friends than a couple.

THEN I look at different couples.  The ones that are so awkward that no one really knows why they're dating; the ones who are just... weird...; that couple that is composed of one really cute girl/guy with one really weird girl/guy and no one really knows why they're together either...;  the unlikely couple: the ones that no one would have put together;  the dysfunctional couple that breaks up and gets back together more than they blink.

That's when I realize that maybe I'm better off not entering the dating pool.  But, being a 17-year-old girl, that's not likely to enter my mind more than once a week.

My thought process includes watching Disney movies and eating ice cream, dreaming about a guy who will sweep me off my feet.  A guy who will buy me dinner and hold my hand and kiss me in the rain.  A guy who will call me "gorgeous" and plan all these romantic walks and getaways.  My own personal Prince Charming.  THAT is my thinking... weird right?!  *laughs* Yeah, teenage girls have some pretty weird daydreams...

The thing I end up wrestling my head around is the fact that God has a plan.  He knows what will happen.  He knows I have no guts to ask a guy out or tell a guy I like him.  He knows there is a man out there for me; a man who will meet my (realistic) expectations in every way.  A man who is PERFECT.  Just for me :)

Noise

I would just like to talk about noise. My sister and I had a talk about this last night. I can't seem to fall asleep these days without playing my nerdy little radio shows or audiobooks in my ears. I can't get my brain to stop chattering long enough to fall asleep. And then during the day, it's like I can't keep my eyes open sometimes. It's not like I don't get enough sleep, I just wake up more tired than when I went to bed.

The noise around me is confusing. It's disorienting. I can't seem to get my brain in gear. I kind of want to shut it off for about a month and start over.

But noise is natural. Everything makes noise. Everyone makes noise. Noise is a part of life. When did life become so hectic that we just want quiet? I want noise. I want to hear babies giggling, or hear my favorite song on the radio, or hear someone's amazing voice singing in choir... I love noise. So why do our brains pine for quiet? It's a mystery I have yet to solve.

Any thoughts? Any comments? Please leave them below. Maybe it will help me come to some kind of conclusion :)

Tiara Tuesdays' Tragedy

It's taken me a long time to do this post.  I haven't been able to get past the fish swimming in my stomach whenever I think about it.  But I'm doing it now... no matter how many fish.

My mom passed away about a month ago.  She was the best thing I have ever had in my life.  She was my most precious possession.  Now... Now I really don't know what to do.  I have no motivation for normal life, and my emotions are going crazy.  I'm pining for people's attention and pushing people away... and I just want things to either change or go back to normal.  And the latter won't be possible.

I don't really know how I feel or when I'll feel things.  I have had so many weird emotional things.  I felt horrible during my play because I would almost always have some kind of breakdown or panic attack during rehearsal or performances.  But my cast was so amazing and helped me to settle down and make me laugh :)

I feel kind of crazy when I can't cry when I want to and I bawl my eyes out when I don't want to.  I feel crazy for wanting to have a guy's attention.  I feel crazy for wanting to punch people.  I feel crazy for just wanting to fall asleep for a year and wake up to Chinese food...  I just want to see her one more time and tell her how much I love her and hug her.  I want her to be there for my senior prom.  I want her to be there when I go on my first date, or when I make a lead in a play.  I just want her to be there.  And I need to get my head around the idea that she won't be.


And now... I want to share my mom's last biggest wish.  Below is a story I posted on the Facebook page, Tiara Tuesday.  If this story strikes you, please feel free to ask any questions you have and please, like the Tiara Tuesday page!  Make this a thing, you guys!  My mom would be proud of us for owning our royal crown :)

"This is my mother. Suzzanne Shaw died on March 26th, 2014, from breast cancer. Even while she was sick, she worried for her family. She read the Bible constantly and came up with an idea. She bought all of us tiaras and told us to use our social media to spread the word. We are children of a King. We are royalty. And we need to remember that. You do too. Please feel free to tell people about this amazing woman. She was an inspiration all the way to the end. She was the strongest, most beautiful princess I have ever known. Please guys. Make this a thing. We could change norm by taking a selfie."

The Story of St. Valentine, in the spirit of the upcoming holiday...

So I have decided to share my thoughts on this holiday.  I am a love-y person.  I love love.  But this year is different.  "Love", or the closest thing I can think of, is just confusing.  And it's just depressing.  

These aren't my thoughts on love this year, but this is just really funny!

So my choir teacher inspired me to share the real story of St. Valentine.  Valentine's day wasn't supposed to be all about spoiling your significant other or being all romantic.  Valentine's day was about love.  All kinds of love.  Family love, sibling love, boy-girl love... Soooo anyhoo, this is what this holiday was based on: 

"In the third century, the Roman Empire was ruled by Emperor Claudius II Gothicus. He was nicknamed Claudius the Cruel because of his harsh leadership and his tendency for getting into wars and abusing his people. In fact, he was getting into so many wars during the third century that he was having a difficult time recruiting enough soldiers.

Claudius believed that recruitment for the army was down because Roman men did not want to leave their loves or families behind, so he canceled all marriages and engagements in Rome. Thousands of couples saw their hopes of matrimony dashed by the single act of a tyrant. And no one seemed interested in standing up to the emperor.

But a simple Christian priest named Valentine did come forward and stood up for love. He began to secretly marry soldiers before they went off to war, despite the emperor’s orders. In 269 AD Emperor Claudius found out about the secret ceremonies. He had Valentine thrown into prison and deemed that he would be put to death.

As Valentine was awaiting execution, he fell in love with a blind girl, who happened to be the jailer’s daughter. On the eve of his execution, with no writing instruments available, Valentine is said to have written her a sonnet in ink that he squeezed from violets. Legend has it that his words made the blind woman see again, but some say that the woman accepted Jesus while Valentine was in prison and that faith made her see again.  It was a brief romance because the next day Valentine was clubbed to death by Roman executioners.

St. Valentine gave his life so that young couples could be bonded together in holy matrimony. They may have killed the man, but not his spirit. Even centuries after his death, the story of Valentine’s self-sacrificing commitment to love was legendary in Rome. Eventually he was granted Sainthood and the Catholic Church decided to create a feast in his honor. They picked February 14 as the day of celebration because of the ancient belief that birds (particularly lovebirds, but also owls and doves) began to mate on that very day."

So, I guess, happy Valentine's Day... <3

Important post! PLEASE READ

Okay, this is twice in a row, but I felt like I owed you guys an explanation.  This money you guys donate may not have gone all to our trip in December.  It goes to her treatment and help.

My mom, Suzzanne Carol, is nearly 53 years old.
She has two daughters and two sons.  Both of her sons are married with two children each.  Suzzanne babysits for them whenever she can.  She loves them to the ends of the Earth.

Her favorite TV shows range from British mysteries like Miss Marple and Sherlock Holmes to Big Bang Theory to Bones and others.
She knits like an 80-year-old grandmother and sometimes talks like one!

The first time she was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer, my now 26-year-old brother was about 10 years old.  That time, a surgery was the biggest treatment she had to go through, and she got better.

Sometime in the fall of 2012, she was again diagnosed with breast cancer, type 3.  Just before school started, she had a surgery, trying to remove all of the bad lymph nodes.  Unfortunately, they could not determine whether they got all of the cancerous lymph nodes or not and whether it had traveled or not.  Honestly, I still don't know what all of the "official diagnoses" are, but, not going into detail, her second surgery's scar has never fully healed and she has a second tumor.

Our little trip to Mexico was very helpful, but did not do everything.  She is still going through treatments, but money for it is kind of tight.  I don't want to beg people for money, because... Well I don't want to.  Desperation does not look good on me.  But I do want people to know what is going on.

If you feel... led or something to give any money, the link for the fundraiser is below, but it ends in 19 HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/healing-for-suzzanne/110746

But if you feel that you can give anything else, find me on Facebook (Abi Leigh) or comment on this post and I can get a hold of you!  Thank you all.  Thank you very much for everything that you do and will continue to do for our family.